Last entry, I discussed my history with low self-worth and two major events post-diagnosis that started me on the path to leaving this negative way of living and thinking about myself behind. Sticking to my decisions and taking the integrative route I knew in my bones was the right one for me was difficult, but it showed people-pleasing-me just how important it is to follow your gut and stand up for yourself, even when it isn’t what other people want you to do. My newfound connection to the Universe, a connection I don’t think I ever would have made to this depth without cancer, was the second, and it opened the door for me to explore something that continually ignites change and learning within me.
I left off by mentioning that I had an astonishing experience that has led to a chain reaction of realizations, ultimately that I need to work on my feelings surrounding self-worth. It was one of the most profound moments on this journey and also one of the most painful and confusing to get to. I’m going to admit something that is going to sound absolutely WILD, and I was equally confused by this reaction in myself when I felt it.
My dad passed away from pancreatic cancer when I was eleven, and part of me always believed I would get cancer. Because of this fear, before I was diagnosed, I would think about getting sick and what it would be like. Here’s the wild and confusing part: I would get a kind of excitement in the pit of my stomach at the thought, a feeling I would immediately reject instead of sitting with and working through. Why did I feel this way? Where did it come from? What was at its root? These were all questions I should have asked but didn’t. We have a tendency to push uncomfortable or confusing thoughts away, and that’s just what I did.
Weird, right? It wasn’t until recently, until after cancer, that I realized where those feelings came from and what caused that reaction in me. The first step to understanding happened when I went to see a theta energy healer who specializes in helping people to release negative emotions and heal past traumas. As a part of my holistic, whole-body healing, I knew that working to resolve past traumas and release things like anger, jealousy, and bitterness are vitally important to also healing physically. How can your body be happy when your heart and soul aren’t? So, I went to see this woman as a part of my work in that area of my life.
I first ran into her at a community health and healing convention of sorts that brought together practitioners and healers from all areas of physical, mental, and emotional healing. As soon as I walked in, my attention was drawn to this woman and her booth. I did a brief scan of the room, and my gaze immediately fell to her. And it wasn’t because of a flashy booth or anything like that. I don’t know if you have ever experienced this pull before, this feeling in your gut like you just have to meet that person or do that thing, but it was like that. Because I had been cultivating this much deeper connection to my intuition and trying to listen to it more, I took the nudge and eventually walked over to her.
I didn’t even know what theta healing was, but I put my name down for a free 10 minute session and patiently waited my turn. As soon as I sat down, with no preamble whatsoever, she took my hand and said, “Who are you angry at?”. I was taken aback to say the least and reluctant to answer, but I knew the answer immediately, of course.
First, you need to know that my partner is the love of my life and there is no one else I can imagine being with. We have a very deep and meaningful connection, going all the way back to when we were kids at camp. Even though we didn’t get together until I was 25, I have loved him since I was 17, probably longer, but that’s when I realized it at least. Some of you who know us well will know this already and many will not, but the beginning of our relationship was less than smooth. I won’t get into that very long story, but it was a complicated situation for the first 8 months or so, and something happened that I wanted to believe I had gotten over but that clearly I had not.
So when I sat down, almost 3 years after this happened, and she said, “Who are you angry at?”, I was taken aback not with her but with myself, because I didn’t want to be angry anymore and I thought I wasn’t, but clearly I was. And if I’m being honest with myself, I knew I wasn’t over it yet, I just wasn’t admitting it because it was way easier to just push away and slap a band aid over, hoping I wouldn’t notice the wound still there underneath. But band aids don’t last, and it was time to rip this one off.
Theta healing is going to sound very “woo woo” to some people, and that’s completely fine, to each their own. But if you have been struggling under the weight of a trauma or negative feelings that you just can’t seem to get out from under, it might help you; I have seen her twice, and it has helped tremendously. It’s a bit difficult to describe, but she asks questions or makes statements, asks if you connect with that statement or it sounds like it could be true for you, and she then asks the spirits, guardian angels, the universe, God, whatever you believe in, to help you release those feelings or reframe your thinking surrounding them. She also gets input from them on what could be going on, what you need to release, and how to do that, so there is an element of mediumship to it. I’m sure I have lost some of you at this point, and I don’t know exactly how it works (the Universe is a mysterious place), but all I can say is that I was profoundly affected both times I saw her. After the second, I drove home with silent tears streaming down my face because I could feel the weight of what happened, a weight I had been holding onto for 3 years, lifting. Finally.
So, after her first question, “Who are you angry at?”, I gave her some background info on my partner and I, what had happened, and why I was apparently still angry about it. Her next question made my jaw drop. She said, “Do you think that part of the reason you got sick was so that he would have to prove how much he loves you every single day?”. Woah.
Two things here. One, in NO WAY do I blame my partner and what happened between us for me getting sick. Not even a tiny bit. He has done nothing since but show me and tell me every day just how much he loves me. This was on me and my reluctance to let go of and heal this trauma. Sometimes we hold onto things that we know are bad for us because they are known to us and there is a comfort in that; we fear what will change and how if we let them go, like that midnight ice cream or smoking habit 😜 I was holding onto this because it had shaped our relationship, and I didn’t know how things would change between us if I released it.
Two, to accept this statement from her as even remotely possible or true, you also have to believe in the mind-body-spirit connection, in the ability of our emotions and thoughts to impact our physical body, and in Universal intervention, in the Universe sending us what we need in order to learn and grow and move on. In no way is this the case for every terrible diagnosis or trauma (sometimes shit just happens), but if it feels like it could be true for you, you have noticed changes and growth or even just a desire to grow or musings about ways you could positively change that were brought on by a significant event, it could be a Universal lesson come knocking and you might want to explore it. As I’ve said before, I am a different person for the better because of cancer, but I had to be open to the possibility that I needed and wanted to grow and change in order to reap those benefits.
For me, that statement from her was like a slap in the face; a slap in the face that woke me up to the truth.
“Yes,” I said through instant tears, “I think so.”
“You know that he loves you so much. You don’t need sickness to know that, right?”
“So, are you ready to let go of that?”
With a nod and an incredulous smile over the fact that I hadn’t let go already, “Yes.”
“Would you like me to ask the Universe [she asked for my preferred term, but God or angels or whatever could go in here] to help you release that feeling?”
She did her theta healer thing.
“Think about it again. How does it feel?”
“Better. Definitely better.”
It doesn’t happen instantly, but just acknowledging those emotions is the first step in sending them on their way and is often enough to start to relieve that pressure you’ve been living under. We continued to work on this the next time I saw her, and it was after that hour-long session that I really felt things shift in a more significant and permanent way. She helped me to reframe the way I had been thinking about what happened, helped me to acknowledge its positive effects (and therefore the Universe’s reason for sending it our way), and helped me release the negative feelings I still had surrounding it. I still have my moments to be honest, where I let my mind wander back to those ways of thinking about it, but now it is so much easier for me to acknowledge, reassure, and redirect those thoughts in the direction of the positive reality. It has made a huge difference for me.
Like dominoes, that realization led to another. When it came to the spiritual side of the factors that contributed to my diagnosis, if I partly got sick so he would have to prove his love, could that apply to other people in my life? Even though everyone in my life shows me all the time how much they love me, was it possible that I couldn’t see that love or believe that it was real (i.e., that I was worthy of it) unless I was in the midst of a crisis like cancer when that level of love and support can’t be denied? And if yes, what did that say about me and how I viewed myself if I needed to be sick to deserve love?
Remember that excitement I talked about feeling at the prospect of getting sick? I think it’s safe to say that it has its roots in the answers to those questions.
In part three, I will get into what happened when I started to look at those questions, answer them, and the changes those answers are bringing, which I’m still working on. I have a feeling this is going to be a lifelong cycle of reflection and growth. What else are we here to do except to live the best life we can, work to be the best version of ourselves that we can be, and leave this world a little better than when we found it?
I’ll leave you with one more thought from the theta healer. She told me that Jesse and I have been through this before in previous lives. That he’s done it to me, I’ve done it to him, and that it was time to resolve it. Part of why we are here again is to make it right, to get it right. And man, are we getting it right. It’s not perfect, but there is beauty in imperfection. We work hard for each other and on our relationship. This work and loving him has been the happiest and the best thing I have ever done, beating cancer a close second 😛 I think this idea of being here to get it right is an important one to keep in mind. If that’s a part of the reason that we are all on this earth, to get this life right, to make this time around the best time, then that is an extremely beautiful lens through which to look at your life. You can ask yourself every day, how can I best serve myself, this life, and the lives of others? It will bring more purpose and meaning into your life than you can imagine, and even the obstacles that you come up against will start to look more like challenges to learn and grow from and then, out of that experience, help others through.
Happy Healing ❤️